I will eat your unhappiness
by zephtastic
Summary: A series of drabbles inspired by Red vs Blue quotes.


Jim groaned and rolled over, pressing a hand against his eyes. "Bones, this is so fucking unfair," he whined. "Why would they put us in prison?" He lifted his head and dropped it back down against the only wooden bench in the cell, which he had deemed his own and completely over took it.

Bones, feeling quite upset at both being in jail and without anywhere to sit while he was, stood against the opposite wall keeping up a glare he had going ever since they'd been locked in there. The glare was directed at Jim but the captain had yet to notice it or its persistence. Bones was suitably more upset.

"I learned a valuable lesson in my travels," the CMO began sagely; Jim turned his head to look up at Bones through his fingers. "No matter how bad things seem…"

"They could be worse?" Jim finished helpfully.

"No," Bones snapped. "They can't be any better and they can't be any worse because that's the way things fuckin' are and you better get used to it, Nancy. Quit your bitching."

Jim thumped his head back down against the bench. Bones just resumed his glaring.

*

"I am entirely unsure of what it was," Spock said completely impassive despite the large tear in his shirt. "Despite how dark it was in there I could see it was quite large."

Kirk and Uhura were listening to Spock recount his story while Bones was fussing over the Vulcan's wounds. Uhura frowned and jerked her phaser back towards where Spock had been attacked.

"Well, then," she said. "Let's go get this big thing of yours!"

Jim honestly couldn't help himself, you could ask Bones. "Bow chicka bow wow," he laughingly said. Two heads turned to give him equally unimpressed looks and Jim just grinned in response.

"I don't think that's appropriate, Captain," Spock said, clearly confused as to how what Jim said applied.

"Somebody call for a really hairy plumber?" Jim asked jokingly. "Bow chicka bow wow!"

"Jim! Shut up!," Bones snapped. Uhura was looking more and more irritated.

"I came here to lay some pipe," Jim drawled, looking pleased with himself now before he quickly added: "Bow chicka bow wow!"

"Captain!" Uhura seethed.

"So I hear you got sisters," Jim said casually, looking at Spock and quirking an eyebrow. Spock looked very confused, opening his mouth to deny this but Jim continued before he could. "Bow chicka- who are twins, bow wow!"

"Shut up!" Bones had a hypospray now and looked ready to use it. Jim stepped back, holding his hands up, and didn't continue. Everyone looked suitably relieved, except for Spock who was still confused.

"Right," Uhura breathed, sending a quick sidelong glare in Jim's direction before looking back to Spock and McCoy. "We're going to need to go see what attacked Spock, right?" She was clearly still flustered.

They all nodded in agreement and turned to head into the abandoned facility when, "Hey, are you a model or famous actress? Bow Chicka Bow Wow!"

*

Spock cleared his throat and Uhura's head snapped up, her wide eyes meeting his guiltily. Sulu smirked and looked clearly amused.

"What?" Uhura said defensively, straightening out her uniform. "I was just admiring his…alien…muscle structure." She swallowed and lifted her chin.

"Yeah, one iparticular/i part of his alien muscle structure," Sulu laughed. This got Jim and McCoy's attention.

"Well," Uhura began, clearly offended and flustered. "That's just a matter of penis- I mean opinion! Opinion!" She hid her face in her hands and groaned as Sulu began to laugh.

"Smooth!"

Surprisingly, Jim wasn't joining in on the laughter. He was now staring at the aliens' crotches too, with a look of horror. He turned to Bones.

"You told me that was another arm!" he exclaimed.

Bones smirked and leered at Jim, raising his hand in the air. "Hey, Jim!" he called. "High five!"

Jim shook his head and stepped away, snapping his head back to look at the aliens in horror, "I don't want to do that anymore!"

*

"You know I'm not going to kill something, Jim," Bones growled, glaring at the phaser accusingly. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Yeah Bones, I'm the same way," Jim sighed, looking down at the phaser as well but lacking the same intensity. "That's why we get along so well, we're both just a couple of lovers."

There was a short, awkward pause as their eyes shot up in unison and met.

"That sounded kind of gay, Jim," Bones deadpanned and Jim punched his shoulder.

*

Bones looked up from his desk as Jim entered his office, uninvited, and sat down heavily in the "guest" chair.

"Oh, look who's back," Bone said, smirking. "The conquering hero! What's up?"

Jim slumped over and stretched his legs out, lying boneless and careless. "Meh," he answered the ceiling.

"Hey, where's Spock?" Bones asked, acting surprised that the Vulcan wasn't on Jim's heels.

"Gone." Jim made a vague flopping motion with his hand. It gave the imitation of a dead fish. Bones assumed it was supposed to be a wave but the arm never really lifted the hand into the air far enough for the right effect.

"What about your dream of becoming the first man ever to accidentally make a Vulcan smile?" Bones asked, smiling pleasantly (something lost on Jim, who still was staring at the ceiling) and clicking through pages on his PADD.

"Dead." There was no flopping-fish hands this time but Jim did raise his head to only drop it back down. Bones put that to a failed effort at a glare.

"Well, how'd Uhura take it?" the sickly sweet of his voice was getting to Jim, who pulled out a stylus from his pocket and lobbed it at Bones. The unfortunate pen completely missed Bones, flying way too far to the left, due mostly because Jim didn't even try to look for aim.

"Yeah," Bones said, obviously amused now. "I didn't even need to ask that last one, did I?"

*

"Yes, Jim," Bones growled, hands gripping the edge of the biobed between them tightly enough the plastic squeaked in protest. "I'm sure that he's pregnant." Bones let go of the bed to pick up his tricorder and waved it over the unconscious alien diplomat between them, it processed briefly before flashing green. "See? It lights up green to indicate pregnancy."

"I thought it lights up green to indicate flesh wounds," Jim said, confused and completely unwilling to accept the fact that his diplomatic guest while an alien was still male and therefore could not be pregnant or fainting from pregnant related symptoms.

Bones grit his teeth and glared at Jim harder. "Yeah, also that," he said through his teeth.

"And infectious diseases," Jim continued, looking at the tricorder and then back at Bones.

"Yeah, it lights up green for just about everything," Bone began drolly, clearly very sarcastic. "It takes a while to figure out the difference." He moved around the bed with the tricorder, pointing it at Jim's head. "Like this green indicates a high level of annoyingness stemming from suppressed feelings of inadequacy."

Jim was no longer looking confused but instead very unamused.

"And this green means impotency," Bones continued, pointing the tricorder at Jim's crouch. "Oops! Sorry, Jim, this green actually causes impotency. My bad."

On the biobed, the diplomat groaned in displeasure.


End file.
